Part 1: Why Women Should Initiate Relationships
How to Create the Relationship God Wants for You
Chivalry isn’t dead, but he’s definitely on life support. Dating in Western countries is akin to entering the murky forests of Middle Earth. Men are becoming more and more insecure about how to approach women. Don't get me wrong, I’m not throwing all the blame on men. Women who have adopted faux-masculine behavior have planted proverbial landmines in the Western dating zone. Women have taken the stance that they are the controllers of relationships, but as you’ll learn in this article, (and more indepthly in my post titled, 4 Reasons Why American Men Are So Feminine) that is a masculine role.
The only instance men are told to take their own wives, Biblically speaking, is after war and the conquest of pagan peoples. The soldiers barbarically took the women of the defeated enemy. They were released from patiently waiting for God to beautify and present a woman to them. We see this exemplified in the rape of Dinah by Prince Shechem. He is a prince. Women are to be presented to him. Yet in his impatience, he sees Dinah, takes, her, and rapes her—then asks for her hand in marriage. The audacity... . This is a foreshadow of today's method of dating.
Modern-day Western culture has reversed this process. Now the woman sits upon the throne as queen and her suitors line up for her to choose. Men today must learn to trust God to bring to them godly women who are suitable to help them. Then they must choose. Men of God must wait and pray. Women must open themselves to the guidance of the Holy Spirit and follow Him to the man to whom the Lord leads her. The man must be patient to enter her (in marriage) and not try to enter her before marriage during the dating period.
Men have inherited mistrust of God from their forefather Adam. Adam was not deceived by the serpent, but Eve was. Adam did not trust God to replace Eve with another wife. He resigned to the fall of Eve as the end of his joy in Eden with his beautiful companion. In essence, he chose Eve over God. He did not trust that God had a plan for his life even if Eve was taken out of the picture.
When a woman is placed on a throne to choose her husband, it becomes difficult for her to later dethrone herself and submit to the head of her household. Many husbands wonder why it is such a frustrating task to have their wives submit to them after they have spent the entire period of dating submitting to the leadership of the woman.
BIBLICAL EXAMPLES
Adam & Eve
How they met: God the Father brings Eve to Adam. He does not send Adam on a treasure hunt. Although we read in Proverbs 18:22, “He who finds a wife finds a treasure and receives favor from the Lord.” With the First Couple, we see the woman, led by God, approaching the man. Eve approaches Adam, thus initiating the relationship in the natural, since God planned and initiated the relationship in the spiritual, by creating Eve with the intention of giving her to Adam. Eve is simply trusting, obeying, and following the Lord to an unknown man.
Since Adam trusts that God has made a perfect selection for him, they are immediately married. Adam does not suggest that God create another female so that he can compare the two and see which is better. Upon their marriage, Adam then begins his pursuit of finding the treasure buried deep inside of Eve. Eve’s physical body is not the treasure. Her treasure is hidden deep inside of her, and as her husband, it is Adam’s duty to find it. All of this takes place before The Fall, therefore, Eve is not afraid to lay herself open to Adam so that he may seek and find her treasure. This is why in Genesis 2:25, states, “They were both naked and unashamed.”
Since we live in a fallen world, during the dating period, a woman will share her deep issues and feelings with her mate. Her issues are simply all the dirt dumped on top of her treasure throughout her life. Upon marrying a woman, the man will stop digging because he feels the job is done: she opened up to him while they were dating and now he has finally won her trust since she agreed to marry him. No need to gain any more. He is deceived into believing he has found the treasure (her physical body) upon marrying her. Later in the marriage, the wife, knowing he has not yet found her treasure, begins to resent him since he has ceased to search for it. She begins to pull away from him and both physically and emotionally close herself from him. It is her unconscious cry that says, “My treasure is not by body. It is deep inside of me. Please, make an effort to find it.” This is why many married women seem to ‘lose their libido’ or cease to enjoy intercourse with their husbands. It is simply an outward response of her inward emotional and spiritual state.
Too many men detect where the treasure is located (by finding 'the one') and then sit on the goldmine after marriage. They do not realize that they must begin and continue to dig for their wife’s treasure for the rest of their lives together. She cannot simply hand it over to him because she does not know exactly where or what it is either! A wife needs her husband to reach deep inside of her and reveal her treasure. It is her responsibility to be vulnerable and open so that he can dig freely and deeply.
Isaac and Rebekah
How they met: Abraham (representing God) instructs his servant (representing the Holy Spirit) to go and get Rebekah as a wife for his son Isaac (representing Jesus). Rebekah proves herself to be a true servant of God by passing the test at the well. Upon diligently responding to the servant’s request, Rebekah is approved as ‘the one’ for Isaac. She does not waste any more time with her family but immediately packs up and follows the servant. Through her actions, Rebekah demonstrates that she hears and obeys the voice of the Holy Spirit and is submissive to His will by following Him straight away to a place she does not know.
During the search for his wife, Isaac is focused on God the Father. He is found meditating in the fields when Rebekah arrives with his the servant. She then asks for confirmation from the servant before approaching Isaac. Here she shows herself to be a woman who seeks the will of the Lord before acting. The servant assures her that the man is her husband (the man she has agreed to wed before ‘knowing’ him). She then veils herself when Isaac takes notice of her and begins to approach. By veiling herself, Rebekah is symbolically declaring her desire for Isaac to get to know her, seek her treasure, and pursue her, after they are married.
Ruth and Boaz
Naomi (representing the Holy Spirit) tells Ruth she will find her a husband. Naomi tells Ruth to look drop-dead-gorgeous then go over to Boaz’s place at an indecent hour to do an unconventional thing. Ruth obeys Naomi and does exactly as she is told.
Boaz (representing Christ) is shocked by Ruth’s’ audacious actions! He self-righteously demands an explanation. Clearly, God did not tell Boaz about this beforehand. He is caught unawares by Ruth’s Holy-Spirit-led actions. Ruth humbly completes the assignment, instead of self-righteously taking offense to his response and storming out of the threshing floor. She proceeds to propose marriage.
Boaz, who is a man of God, recognizes her godliness and praises her (rather than reprimanding her by telling her that godly women don’t propose to men). He affirms her godliness by declaring that she is not a loose woman who goes around slipping into bed with men at night. He acknowledges that she has been led by God and immediately blesses her. He knows she could have used her boldness to chase after guys in the flesh, but instead she chose to use her boldness to approach the man God chose for her, and he praises her for obeying the Lord.
Boaz does not send her away wondering if he’s into her or not. He doesn’t say he needs time to pray about it for confirmation. He is clear and direct with her and immediately declares that he can and will take care of her. He says, “Don’t worry about anything, my daughter. I will do what is necessary, for everyone in town knows you are a virtuous woman.” (Ruth 3:11). In other words, I don’t have to date you for five years to figure out if you’re right for me. My marriage is not about me anyways. Everyone knows you’re sold out for God so that’s enough confirmation for me.
Although Boaz knows he has all her affections, he doesn’t sit on the goldmine. He immediately begins to pursue her:
He sets out to kill the competition. He’s determined to get rid of the nearest family redeemer.
He lets her know his intentions from the beginning by declaring, “as surely as the Lord lives, I will redeem you myself (I will marry you)!” (Ruth 3:13). He is not going to take her through a series of ‘tests’ to see if she’s ‘the one’.
Boaz takes control. He doesn’t get lazy and complacent simply because she made a bold initiation in their relationship.
He protects her. He sends her home before people see her coming from the threshing floor. He knows she is a godly woman, but also knows that the Hebrews (Christians) don’t always see God in a godly situation. So he protects her from gossip and rumors.
Exudes masculine energy. He gives her gifts. When a woman receives a man’s gifts she is opening herself to him. This is why men tend to give so much to a woman during courtship; they know that she is opening herself to receive him as she receives his acts of kindness. Boaz already knows that Ruth not only desires him, but she also wants to marry him. He does not become disappointed and says, “Well what’s there to chase, you took all the fun out of it, Ruth.” He knows there is so much more of her he has yet to know and is probably thankful he doesn’t have to waste time on the petty chase. He wants more of her. He wants her treasure.
Boaz is a man of immediate action. He does not think and pray about the situation for weeks because he has already been praying and his current situation is the answer to his prayers. Boaz checks out Ruth and begins to ask around about her (Ruth 2:5). He doesn’t rest until the matter is settled that very day. He does not drag Ruth through a six year situationship. He trusts that it’s God’s will for him to marry her and gets started on the process that very day.
Naomi then tells Ruth to “Just be patient…until we hear what happens…” (Ruth 3:18). In other words, “Job well done. Don’t try to start taking control of the relationship. Let him demonstrate his masculinity.” Ruth knows she can listen to and follow Boaz’s instructions just as she has listened to and followed Naomi’s instructions. She has spent time in the presence of Naomi (the Holy Spirit), she knows how to submit and follow. Thus, in the same manner in which Ruth took instructions from Naomi, she can now listen to and trust Boaz because she is familiar with the voice of the Lord.
Conclusion
Take note of the four couples: none are consumed with the need for a spouse. The women are working and obedient to the voice of the Holy Spirit and the men are focused on their relationship with God. The women allow themselves to be led to their husbands through the leading of the Holy Spirit.
Continue reading in my next blog post, Goh Get It: How to Create the Relationship God Intended You to Have, Part 2: Intentional Dating!
